You Can Swallow a Pint of Blood Before You Get Sick

2:18pm: all of my days
so after a day to reflect i think i am close to being happy again....on my own.



i don't know where this puts me anywhere else...i don't even know why or how. i just know that today i woke up to feeling ok about where i was waking up.


i had breakfast by myself and was ok with that too.


i looked at my phone and had no one to call, text, or email... that was also ok.


i don't think i have ever really been afraid to die, but now i may not be afraid of living again.


my life is pretty good. i do what i want, when i want, and how i want. the only draw back to such a fly by lifestyle is sometimes you have to do it alone. is that the cost of freedom? solitary?


i gladly pay, because you story with the white picket fence...kid...wife...just isn't for me. i rather be free....actually free

7:57pm: safe harbor
so right when i think i know what i want..i see her and feel nothing. i seriously couldn't be more confused.

it's seriously time for me to move on...wow like actually move on

it kind of makes me feel new again

5:48pm: tumor
just when i thought it could get no worst...

4:14am: ford
i don't think i can ever be happy


i expect to much

4:03am: this is what it feels like to be a ghost
on my own is an understatement...


but i did this to myself, so i can't try and point blame


it's hard to have people believe in you after you give up on yourself. in my i eyes...i died almost 2 years ago....it just took a while for the news to get to my friends and family. i have my moments but all and all...i'm a shell of who i was. now the shell is starting to crack and i'm going to reveal something i wanted to keep secret. that i'm empty inside.


i don't want help though..i can't even find anything worth salvaging

5:05pm: northwest
my life suck when i am "home"


i can't help but fuck things up when i am here


i think after thanksgiving i am going to spend December in the Ocala/Orlando area. i just need to catch up on two bills while i am there. i figure finding an odd job shouldn't be too hard. i would actually think it to be easier then milton.


so that's that, time to get out of here

1:01am: torche
can't have spring with the winter....today was a very cold day



i just woke up really down today. missed her like i did the day after she asked me to leave. today i felt like i started over. i had this dream again i use to have all the time. once before i woke up today...again when i took a nap.



not fair, i bet she sleeps fine

12:29pm: we all turn to dust
i feel like i have square blocks and round holes. just trying to make things fit and work that just aren't going to go.


my whole personal life feels so forced. i'm not happy, and i don't know what i am missing. i don't even know how to fix it at this point.

4:03am: god called in sick today
how dose a person even just get anxiety? like develop it? it LITERALLY makes no fucking since to me....



when i really think about it, bars and shit always freaked me out. that makes since though, there is nothing there for me.



but now, shows, bbq's, party, too many people in one room in anyway.


that's not me, why dose my skin crawl and i feel like someone is standing on my chest making it harder to breath?




i'm going crazy, pure and simple, out of my fucking mind

5:59am: the casting out of me
the whole night was kind of weird for me. i really have not thought of alex much lately, i was starting to think i was over it. to night hanging out by where i use to have a good job, go to the bar with a few guys, then get in my car and drive home to my life. really made me miss...everything


i think i might die alone...like really might not have a chance at this anymore. i can't even sit in a room full of people without panicking. i push everyone away, then wonder why i'm alone.

how do you meet someone if you panic every time you are near people?



the line "taking breaths to stay" comes to mind...


i gave up a family, for what? to be in a band.....i'm such scum

4:22am: the casting out
i have no real reason to hate everything




but i do



i'm so lonely, its not that people aren't around me that care. girls whatever....


i just can't find the words to say what's wrong with me. i don't know why i feel this way. i honestly am lonely cause i made it this way. i could fix it to i think, but i won't. i'm watching myself slowly set myself up to die alone and i can't stop it.


i just hate everything.....


i'm over dramatic, but i like it that way.

10:04pm: take to the streets
nothing is wrong, but i feel like i am about to have a panic attack.



something is broken i think...

4:34pm: bbq's and river parties
one should not spend the day dreading a social gather with his friends.




seriously getting sick, wtf is wrong with me?

11:51pm: Ghost Say
i haven't posted in my lj in a hot minuet. one reason being is the person i think about all day, and will more then likely write about will read it. its not that i don't want her to know what i am thinking, it would probably make thing easier. i just did that before, being honest with her and my feelings that is. i know things were different then but i don't wanna chance getting pushed away. i'm just trying to stick to the plan, give space and don't rush. neither thing i am good at, my whole life i have rushed in and just gone for it.

"it looks deep enough from here so i am diving in"-Thrice

truth be told i think about an encounter in a dirty bathroom where i said exactly what i was thinking, i meant it...i know i did because i still do.




when you're scared to ruin everything, saying what's really on your mind is hard. it doesn't help when talking to people is getting harder for me anyways.

you never have to say anything about this, i just wanted you to know.



"i don't want you to be distant"-i'll do my best, without being to close... at least till you are ready

7:42am: one and only
i know what i want


it's just, how do i get it?


personal goals are ahead....now it's time to try and go for it

9:14pm: Blackout
always fixing things and trying to move past riffs in my life


i'm getting really tired of not being able to count on people in my band.


i'm also getting tired of feeling alone all the time. i talk to one person on the phone, sometimes two other then business stuff.


this is why they say the good die young. you live for too long with people letting you down and being sad all the time the good is going to wear off at some point.

4:36am: god save us
i like hearing her say "us"


i hope this is light at the end of my tunnel, i hope this is the start of me getting to look back on the last 6 months as my "past"


i wanna be happy again, and i will get there at all cost.



now i just gotta get my band through the next few months

5:55am: fright night
now i know how shauncey must feel when he nails a tattoo.


that "living well is the best revenge" kind of feeling. proving people wrong about yourself. really getting in there and find what you yourself are made of.


in the 6 years i have been making music i have finally found myself. "Fright Night" is hands down the best album i have ever recorded. i can't wait for people to hear it. i have never been so proud of anything i have ever done. my whole life was for this album it feel like and now that i have it, i am kind of ok with that.


top that with this girl being so sweet to me. making me feel like there is someone out there that gets me. makes me feel like i am not alone....



i'm happy tonight. that might change tomorrow, but i am going to bed a very happy camper. i don't do that very often.

5:07am: this will read as a plea
tired of always look out for others.... this month i am really saying FEA and doing something for myself.



i want a new life so i am getting it



i want to live somewhere else

i want a girlfriend

and i want to be successful



not in that order but you get the point

11:17pm: only thunder gives me rest
yikes, is this really happening to me?



i'll pretend for second it really is, and be happy for the first time in months.



although i will admit i have been pretty happy all week....this is only sending it over the top.

8:00am: At the bottom

I think my problum is I have given up on myself.

I won't succed in music
I won't meet her
I won't make good money
I won't ever find happiness

I will continue to make a mess of my life
I will go to bed lonley most nights
I will disapoint myself and others
I will die young and it will have nothing with being "the good"

How am I going to be the man I wanna be with that additude?

I'm trapped in the belly of this horrible machine and the machine is bleeding to death. The sun has fallen down.....

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

7:20am: broke every bone in your wrist
i just want the phase of my life to start. everything is a waiting game......is it even there?

being lonely all the time isn't helping either.

3:27pm: Worthless

My life is a steaming pile of shit...

I could not be more of a fuck up

I fucking hate the way my life is

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

6:31am: just listen to what i have to say about it.
charlie bronson. he is a prisoner from england that got a movie made about him. the guy who played the lead told a story about talking with charlie, and some words of wisdom shared with him.



"do you remember the floods? remember that boy that got his foot caught in the grate and river keep rising and rising and rising? And they tried to get him out but he drowned?

well that wouldn't have happened to me. you wanna know why? cause i would have said, cut it off...now.

what i am trying to say is right, what i am trying to say is son. sometimes, yeah? sometimes you got to cut a little piece of yourself off now matter how much it hurts. in order to grow, in order to move on."


i can see the river again, but what if i cut it off too soon? what if i am panicking about the river because of other experiences?


god dammit, i think she worth the trouble and all my self second guessing. i'm such a sucker, you gotta watch out for the beautiful ones.

12:23am: wolves
wise up dude.....



wise up